


It’s a Lovely Morning at the Ultimate Academy

by FierySprites



Series: The Many Ways V3 Could’ve Gone Wrong [7]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Cover Art, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Embedded Images, Gen, Humor, Mild Language, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, One-Shot, Parody, Spoilers, This is Dumb But I Don't Care, honk honk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-09 11:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20852795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FierySprites/pseuds/FierySprites
Summary: It’s a lovely morning at the Ultimate Academy for Gifted Juveniles.Too bad a horrible goose is going to ruin it.(Or is that actually a good thing?)(A crack crossover betweenDanganronpa V3: Killing HarmonyandUntitled Goose Game. (Yes, really.) Massive spoilers for the former are featured.)





	It’s a Lovely Morning at the Ultimate Academy

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot is initially set midway through Chapter 1 of _Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony._ Major spoilers going straight through the endgame are featured, so caution is advised. Credit for the goose sprite in the cover art goes to [Sonicfan32](https://www.spriters-resource.com/custom_edited/untitledgoosegamecustoms/sheet/121990/).
> 
> If you haven’t heard of (or played) _[Untitled Goose Game](https://goose.game/),_ then trust me, you are missing out on a _lot._
> 
> _Honk honk._

** **

* * *

**Ultimate Academy  
First Floor – Cafeteria**

It all started with the theft of a hat.

_“S-Stop that! G-Gimme my hat back!”_

All of a sudden, a goose burst into the cafeteria of the Ultimate Academy for Gifted Juveniles, flapping its wings and honking rather loudly.

The Ultimates collectively stopped eating and turned to look at the unexpected intruder.

Kaede blinked, her brain temporarily shutting down and requiring a reboot. “Wh-Wha—?” she stammered out. “It’s a—it’s a… it’s a _bird…?”_

Fifteen students stared at the goose in curiosity. The goose stared back, his head tilting, an unassuming gaze silently judging.

“…my, my. It _is_ a bird,” Korekiyo said, mere moments away from breaking into another creepy cackle. “Fascinating!”

“Is—Is it _allowed_ to be here?” Tsumugi questioned, utterly baffled. “H-How did it even get _in…!?”_

“Well, this isn’t what I expected to see when I woke up this morning…” Rantaro muttered.

The goose was carrying something in its beak, too. Something oddly familiar. It looked like a… black baseball cap. A black baseball cap, with three white stripes lined up on the back of it—_hey, wait a second!_

The Ultimate Pianist lifted a finger at the winged creature, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “That hat… isn’t that Shuichi’s—?”

As if on cue, Shuichi Saihara himself barged through the door, chasing after the foul fowl that had taken his accessory. The goose hooted nonchalantly and proceeded to give him the runabout, leading him around in circles.

“G-Give it back!”

_“Honk!”_

“D-Don’t just honk at me!”

_“Honk!”_

“C’mon…! _P-Please…!”_

_“Honk!”_

Kaede—and the others—were more focused on something else, however. A thin ahoge, almost identical in appearance to the Pianist’s, prominently stuck out from the top of the Ultimate Detective’s hair. In fact, Kaede looked actually kind of mesmerized by it, for whatever reason.

_He… he looks so **cute** with that hairstyle!_

(…well, there’s our ‘whatever reason’.)

“Nee-hee hee!” Kokichi sniggered. “So _he’s_ got one of those, too! We’ve got so many of ‘em, maybe we should make a club!”

The goose hopped up on the table, stomping all over the plates of food laid on it (“Please do not step on the meals,” Kirumi politely told it). Desperately, Shuichi dove in to grab it—wherein it jumped off at the last second, leaving the poor boy to get smothered in food with nothing to show for his efforts.

The bird floated to the ground, taking a moment to put the cap comfortably on his head. _“Honk honk!”_ He left the room right after that, leaving the now-full set of Ultimates to ponder what the heck just happened.

Kaede was the first to react. “Sh-Shuichi!” She rushed over to her three-day-long best friend, looking over him with worry. “Are—Are you okay!? Are you hurt!?”

“Look at you, Pooichi!” Miu guffawed. “You went all the way ‘round the bend and you didn’t invite us! Embarrassed ‘bout that massive orgy you had? Ahahahahaha!”

Shuichi groaned, shades of red covering his cheeks.

Meanwhile, Tsumugi bit her lip, uncertainty filling her face.

Nobody in the Academy knew it then, but _this…_ was only the beginning.

The beginning… of an unnamed goose’s reign of terror.

_(Dun dun dunnnnnnn!)_

* * *

**Second Floor – Ultimate Pianist Lab**

Kaede Akamatsu walked into her lab, ready to practice on the piano.

She promptly wished she hadn’t.

Her Ultimate Research Lab was utterly tarnished: music stands and chairs were knocked down; DVDs from the shelves lay scattered on the floor; a mocking message (depicting Kaede being chased by a flock of geese… on bicycles. _Bicycles!)_ had been written on the blackboard; and worse of all… worse of all…!

…the goose from this morning was atop her beloved piano, strutting all over the piano keys as if it owned it—_and_ the room itself. An incredibly out-of-tune melody played whenever he took a step, practically driving Kaede insane with its increasing terribleness.

“S-S-_Stop! Stop that!”_ she finally exclaimed. The goose perked up, looking as innocent as can be. (Kaede knew better than to trust that expression.) “You—You can’t just go messing up my lab like this! It’s—It’s not _right!”_

_“Honnnnk honnnnk!”_ In response, the goose fluttered off the instrument and ran all the way to the back of the room. The Pianist, much like Shuichi, was prepared to go running after it—only to stop in horror at what the goose had done to the piano.

Several keys had been taken out.

Repeat: _Several. Keys. Had been taken out._

In fact, the goose inexplicably had a bag slung over his back. Three guesses as to what was inside it, and the first two don’t count.

“Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-You—_You—!”_ Kaede’s hands flailed wildly in the air, her mind trying to comprehend the true sin that had been committed. _“Wh-Wh-What did you—**How** did you—!?”_

Her little panicking act gave the goose plenty of time to rush out the still-open door.

Screams of fury echoed out into the hallway, the white bird giving out two celebratory honks at the sound.

(She later relayed this event—plus the later theft of her music note clips—to Shuichi in a certain abandoned classroom. He was rightfully incensed on her behalf, him eventually admitting how much he wished he was there for her then. This eventually led to a heartfelt conversation, wherein their feelings for each other were built up more—

—which was promptly interrupted by the goose being a noisy nuisance and hopping down the stairs to the basement, leading them to dash after it before it could ruin everything.

This had the side-effect of a specific something not getting dropped down a specific place.

Which I’m sure won’t have any effects whatsoever.)

* * *

**Basement – Library**

While Rantaro Amami was still investigating the library (and being totally unaware of the two slightly-unrelated plots to kill whoever happened to go there before sunset), the goose snuck up behind him and snatched his Survivor’s Perk Monopad away from him.

He jolted, twirling around in a flash. The goose was simply standing in place, Monopad in its beak, Shuichi’s cap somehow still on its head. The two had a brief stare-off, Rantaro getting his first good look at the animal, the goose further examining its non-feathery prey.

The scene would be comical if it wasn’t for the blaring music in the background, indicative of certain doom arriving in the next half-hour at best.

“Okay, you’ve had your fun, little goose,” he tried to assuage it, “but I… kind of need that, y’know. We’re all gonna get killed if I can’t figure out how to end this killing game, and—”

_“Honk honk!”_ The goose gave no signs that it even understood him, instead choosing to waltz out the side door… which is probably going to be a reoccurring gag, now that I think about it.

Rantaro closed his eyes, counted from one up to five, and then sighed patiently. “I can’t let anyone find that Monopad on accident,” he said. “Looks like I’m going to need to take a little detour…”

He ran after the goose and out of the library, right as the entrance to the Mastermind’s Room opened up.

A certain student stuck her head out, looked around in confusion for a little bit, and promptly retreated back inside her alcove, silently seething.

(In unrelated news, there were several towers of books above the bookshelves that so happened to be haphazardly covering the open vent nearby. It was a rather odd objective to complete, but the bird had no qualms about doing so anyway.

Even if the Pianist’s trap had been properly sprung, as a Cosplayer-slash-Mastermind desperately wanted, no shot put ball would be able to exit the vent at all.

Such a shame.)

* * *

**Third Floor – Ultimate Assassin Lab**

She had left that garishly-red door of hers unattended for a grand total of fifteen minutes while she handled some… ‘business’ in the women’s restroom.

In retrospect, that was an absolutely humongous mistake.

The goose—the goose that seemingly took joy in screwing with everyone’s lives and had accidentally stopped a killing attempt right in its tracks (though not the ensuing Class Trial; luckily, no execution was necessary)—had gotten into her lab.

And a level of chaos equal to Kokichi (damn that liar) had been unleashed within it.

Several weapons on the floor.

Suitcases open and sprawled about.

Punching bags and targets torn apart like confetti.

A baffling grey statue of that cursed Ultimate Supreme Leader, placed dead center in the room.

And finally, there was the freaky feathered fiend itself, wearing the red cloak formerly displayed on the mannequin.

_“Honk honk!”_

Maki Harukawa’s eye twitched, her hand going straight for her combat knife.

_That’s it. This thing **dies.**_

(That day, fifteen—okay, technically thirteen—Ultimates learned of Maki’s true talent for the first time, when she chased the goose-wearing-a-cap-and-cloak with a freaking _knife_ around the Academy.

Kaito took the whole thing in stride. “Oh, yeah! Go, Maki Roll!” he cheered.

Some of the Ultimates were tempted to join her on her warpath. Others felt merely amused, or cathartic at the sight. But either way, the scene was absolutely glorious to watch.

It also got the Ultimate Supreme Leader thinking a little…)

* * *

**Courtyard – Outside the Student Dorms**

Monokuma lay on the floor, utterly defeated.

Actually, several of him lay on the floor, some more shredded than others, some more exploded than others.

The goose stood triumphantly over the pile of robotic bears, a colorful Kubs Pad hanging from his back, inexplicably not weighing him down in the slightest. Speaking of which, there were actually several Kubs Pads in a separate pile behind him, each of them having been individually collected from… places. He let out a long,_ long_ honk, one that could probably be heard from across time and space.

_“Grrrrrrrr…!”_ the bear audibly growled, having tried to stop the goose from ‘interfering with the motives and attempted murder’—and failing badly. “H-How the heck did I lose…!? I’m _Monokuma!_ The _god_ of this world! I can’t lose to a pathetic little chicken like you…!”

This spectacle, more than anything, perfectly encapsulated the absurdity that had been unwittingly absorbed into Monokuma’s latest killing game_._

It also proved that birds were better than bears in every single capacity.

Totally.

(When this event was discovered by the rest of the Ultimates, the goose turned on all the Kubs Pads he had on him and let them all play out—right in front of everyone’s eyes.

The chaos that resulted was both illuminating and entertaining.)

* * *

**Casino – Basement**

“BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Kokichi Oma laughed hysterically, as Maki facepalmed in the background. “A goose is luckier than you, Kaito! _A goose is luckier than you! This is the **greatest!”**_

“Wh-What the hell…!?” Kaito was on the floor, a closed fist pressed up against the ground. “Why? How? I’m—I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars…! This—This shouldn’t be possible…!”

“Damn, I knew that frikkin’ feathered freak was something else,” Miu began, “but who knew it could gamble with the big leagues! Ha! This thing’d be great in recordin’ secret tapes of you guys f—”

Everyone tuned the Inventor out after that.

To explain the current incident: the Ultimate Astronaut and the (tentative) Ultimate Annoyance had both been engaging in the slot machines down at the Ultimate Academy’s Casino, accompanied by Shuichi, Kaede, Maki, Miu, and Keebo. The former of the participants had expected to win more Monocoins than the goose in no time at all.

Suffice to say, he should never be allowed to bet at a poker table. The results would be disasterous.

“I don’t get this…” Keebo said, confusion clear in his eyes. “This goose is doing everything my records say a goose _shouldn’t_ be able to do. Is this a new stage of evolution that we should investigate, or…?”

“Investigate, schmestigate! All I know is,_ this shit’s **hilarious!”**_

Meanwhile, Shuichi and Kaede were doing their best to comfort their friend. “Hey, it’s alright, Kaito,” the Detective went first, patting the defeated would-be gambler’s back. “It’s not the end of the world! It’s just a bunch of Monocoins.”

Kaede nodded. “Yeah. At least you didn’t lose anything important, or had your day utterly ruined through no fault of your own! _Unlike **us…”**_ The dual protagonists shot sharp glares at the goose, who was dragging away his large bag of winnings toward the first floor.

To say they were still grumpy over the nestling’s antics would be an… understatement.

Not much they could do about it, sadly.

* * *

**Third Floor – Ultimate Tennis Lab**

Kirumi Tojo had a dilemma.

She could either go through with her plan to return to her nation—the nation that reportedly was going through some sort of major crisis, of which she was the acting Prime Minister of—

—or she could help clean up the incredibly untidy mess that Ryoma’s lab had become, as her instincts as the Ultimate Maid were strongly pushing for.

Very, _very_ strongly pushing for.

On one hand, she needed to see if her people were okay, to tend to whatever needs they may require—

—and on the other…

_“Honk honk!”_

…there was that confounded fledgling to worry about.

Despite being an otherwise ordinary bird, the goose had a knack for avoiding each and every one of Monokuma’s attempts to get rid of it, Exisals included. The group of Ultimates united against evil geese weren’t having much luck, either—even with Miu’s inventions, the creature was too crafty for them to catch. At this point, the maid believed that the goose could easily break out of the Academy—it just _chose_ to stay and interfere with everyone and everything.

“So, you’ve got experience in playing tennis. Not something I expected.”

It also was choosing to play an intense game of tennis against Ryoma. And somehow, it was actually holding up against his opponent’s immense skill.

Good _God, _was that bizarre.

_“Honk honk!”_

“Despite that, I can’t just let you trash my lab and get away with it. I may not be worthy of my title—but it’s still part of me. Get ready!”

He even got Ryoma motivated—and if she was being honest with herself… she couldn’t exactly do ‘that’ to him now that he seemed filled with so much more life.

And now that she thought about it…

…could she really do the same to all her fellow students in this academy…?

The goose took a moment to stare at Kirumi, its eyes disparagingly baring right into her.

…

Kirumi decided she’d rather not have to be judged by a goose of all things.

“Don’t make too much of a mess now,” she stated firmly, beginning to deal with the knocked-over machines and stains on the floor. “I may be a selfless maid, but I do not have all day to supervise you two.”

“Hmph. You don’t have to worry about that.”

_“Honk honk honk!”_

(After seeing the disarray countless areas in the Ultimate Academy were—obviously thanks to that ‘foul fowl’, as some had taken to calling it—the Ultimate Maid sighed and simply got to work cleaning it up. It was a tad irritating, sure, but it was just something she’d have to live with.

Her people needed her—but so did the Ultimates trapped in this virtual prison.

And she was never one to renege on her duty to others, the necessity of sacrifices be damned.)

* * *

**Courtyard**

By the will of Atua (supposedly), Angie Yonaga was making a lifelike sculpture of the fabulous goose as it perched on a podium, for once completely motionless.

This, in and of itself, wasn’t much to talk about. Or anything to really get mad about.

It wasn’t like it was doing any perceived harm through its current actions.

Here’s the caveat, though: Himiko, Tenko, and Tsumugi each had to sit there and watch the whole thing play out from start to finish.

After the goose had long since traded out Shuichi’s cap for Himiko’s hat.

And also after the goose had stolen Tenko’s pinwheel bowl.

Not to mention, Tsumugi’s glasses were resting on its beak, too.

(How it was getting these accessories to fit on him, nobody knew.)

Angie was rather adamant on this being vital to her role as a patron of Atua, and that it was not to be ruined in any way.

The three multicolored girls reluctantly accepted that, being a part of her Student Council… but that didn’t mean they had to like it.

“Nyahahaha! His divine foresight truly sees all!” Angie exclaimed, happily exercising her skills as the Ultimate Artist. “With this monument to this celestial animal, this academy will surely be a _paradise!”_

“Nyeeeh… I hope Atua makes this worth it…” Himiko groaned, rubbing her sleepy eyes awake with her hand. “I want my hat back… it’s a pain not to have it on…”

“Don’t worry, Himiko! The second this is over, I’m pummeling that degenerate!” Tenko declared, arms already stretched out into a combat position. “I thought males were pretty degenerate, aside from Shuichi, but that _thing_ is the biggest degenerate of them all!”

“Talk about it…” Tsumugi groused, arms crossed and her gaze half-lidded. In place of her usual pair, she had to use Fashionable Glasses to complete her appearance. (Too bad it didn’t correct her visionary issues in any way.) “It’s plain to see that this whole situation is just plain terrible.”

Gonta tried to assuage the trio, in a gentlemanly manner. “Everyone, there no need to fight!” he cheerfully said. “Gonta is sure that goose give stuff back after Atua is done!”

It… didn’t exactly help, but… at least he tried.

“Nyeeeeeh…”

_“He better!”_

Tsumugi grumbled something beneath her breath.

(As a side note, the Necronomicon had been snatched earlier by the goose—and despite Monokuma’s efforts, it was unable to found by anyone.

Given how no one had died, it wasn’t going to be that useful anyway.

But still, it was the principle of the matter, y’know?)

* * *

**Fourth Floor – Ultimate Anthropologist Lab**

The carnage left in Korekiyo Shinguji’s lab was a true sight to behold.

Countless artifacts were laying on their sides, glass display cases either shattered or now nonexistent. Paint had been splattered all over them, and there were telltale traces of it being dragged onto the floor as well. A bunch of matryoshka floors had been placed in a conga line, too, and were tipped over like an extending chain of dominos.

And this was only the _first floor._

God knows—I mean, Atua knows what had happened to the ones above.

Several of the students behind Korekiyo, having come in with him to help with a random ritual of sorts, backed away _fast _upon seeing the murderous rage emanating from his body.

(It was a good thing they couldn’t see his face from there; it’d be about as terrifying as Maki in full _‘Do you want to die?’_ mode.)

As if to taunt him over the destruction of his sacred museum, the goose leaned overhead on one of the balconies, honking as if he hadn’t wrecked centuries’ worth of valuable historical relics in the timespan of a couple of hours.

Something shattered in the Anthropologist’s mind.

“Forget the ritual,” he growled, uncharacteristically blunt. “It appears we will be discovering the fine delicacy of fried goose today!”

He proceeded to pick up the dropped replica sword and attempted to speed toward the offending nuisance, held back only by a combined team of Tenko and Gonta working together.

_“No! Bad Kiyo! Bad Kiyo! Not gentlemanly act!” _

_“Are you crazy, you degenerate!? Put that down; Himiko’s still in the room!”_

(On the bright side, this meant they didn’t have to go through any case involving the infuriating ‘seesaw effect’—so I guess I’ll take it as a win.

Take that, crappy vocabulary.)

* * *

**Fourth Floor – Computer Room**

Nobody wanted to try Miu’s Virtual Reality program on account of the fact that the goose was in the room at that time.

Giving a feathered fiend free access to their bodies, while they couldn’t do a thing about it, was not something they’d like to permit. Ever.

Miu would’ve argued about it… but the goose had already broken a litany of her own inventions. And heckled her several times while she was fixing up the supercomputer. And also temporarily separated Keebo’s head from his body.

Kind of hard to disagree after _that,_ no matter how desperate you are.

(It didn’t stop Kokichi from becoming an even greater annoyance after the failed invitation, though. He was almost on par with the goose, saved only by him being more of a gadfly up ‘til then. But that was changing fast.

Which was the plan, naturally.

_We’re gonna do a lotta good things together, him and I! **Nee-hee hee!**)_

* * *

**Dormitory – Kaede’s Room**

The goose somehow snuck into Kaede’s dorm room while she wasn’t around, and decided the closet was a good place to take a nap. When it some vaguely human noises entered its ears, it popped out to give whoever was making them a good surprise—

—and found Kaede and Shuichi in the middle of a rather passionate make-out session, inappropriately enough.

The two stared in surprise.

The goose stared in ambivalence.

The duo begun to blush and shake.

The goose let out a satisfied honk.

Their synchronized shrieks was, to the fowl foul, a glorious thing to receive. Not so much the rest of the Ultimates, but hey, seeing first-hand proof of the Pianist and Detective hooking up (as the goose made its timely escape) more than made up for their ears being split in half.

The embarrassment the couple received was undoubtedly likely to last for all eternity._  
_

* * *

**Basement – Mastermind’s Room**

Three weeks into the Killing Game Semester, nothing was going as it should.

“How is everything going _so wrong!?” _Tsumugi Shirogane screamed from the safety of her hidden room, her hands running through her aquamarine hair in absolute frustration. “I fought so hard to get this chance, I put my heart and soul into making the perfect _Danganronpa_ happen—and it’s all. Being. Ruined. By. A goose._ A. Stupid. **GOOSE!”**_

The Ultimate Cosplayer stormed back and forth through her secret hideout, grinding her teeth so hard one could swear they could catch sparks flying from them. Her only company was technically the Motherkuma, but that wasn’t going to stop her from ranting at the top of her lungs. _“Half this cast is supposed to be_ **_dead!_** Kaede, Rantaro, Kirumi, Ryoma, Angie, Tenko, Korekiyo, Miu—all of them should’ve either committed murder or _been_ murdered! I designed each of the motives to convince _somebody_ to fall in one direction or another! But no! _No!_ That blasted goose got in the way _every! Single! **TIME!”**_

Suffice to say, the goose had long since supplanted bad anime as her most hated thing of all time.

It didn’t help that the goose had replaced all her spare clothes with some from the other girls’ wardrobes.

She had cospox for _hours_ before the crew had found where the first of her outfits had been hidden._**  
**_

“And the worst part is, I can’t do anything to stop it! And Monokuma can’t, either! He’s got all the Monokubs and the Exisals still active and he hasn’t even gotten _close_ to being successful! This season must be a _laughingstock_ by now, because—again—_everybody’s still **alive!**_ The higher-ups’ll send me a cancellation message any minute! And now I have to figure out how to get things back on track before Kokichi—who’s way too smart for his own good—decides to go team up with that absolute troublemaker and screw things up even further and—”

_“Honk honk honk!”_

Tsumugi froze.

Shivers went up her spine.

“Please… Please tell me I’m hallucinating,” she pleaded. “Please tell me I didn’t just hear my worst enemy in this room, right here, right now.”

_“Honk honk!”_

Against her better judgement, she turned around…

…and resisted the urge to screech in horror.

The goose had snuck in, likely through the first floor restrooms (how it found _that_ out was beyond her), and was currently sitting down comfortably in the couch in front of the case holding Motherkuma. Who had several wires snapped and chewed on. Which were also covered in various white feathers.

It didn’t take an Ultimate-level genius to realize what the feathered fiend had done._  
_

Remarkably similar to a pianist who had become third on her list of ‘people I need to figure out how to kill ASAP’, Tsumugi stammered, “Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-You—_You—! Wh-Wh-What did you—**How** did you—!?”_

_“Honnnnnnnnnk!”_

The screams of fury that erupted within that enclosed space would go unheard and unseen by the inhabitants of the Ultimate Academy.

As did the ensuing chase sequence that inevitably resulted in _more_ of the secret room getting trashed.

Not even the glorious announcement of a dead body being discovered (at last!) could dissuade her from her now unhappy mood.

But at least she had _something_ to look forward to.

* * *

**Class Trial Room**

The fifth Class Trial (this time with an actual death, instead of Monokuma getting increasingly more desperate) was the most arduous one of them all – if only because absolutely no one knew who was the blackened and who was the victim. Deceiving evidence, clashing testimonies, tensions running high, Truth Bullets going dry… this trial had it all, and it actually seemed to be the most exciting one of the five, given that there were two protagonists active and twelve other students (plus an Exisal with whoever the blackened was, and all five Monokubs) still squabbling this late into the season.

That was probably a series first, honestly!

…not that Tsumugi was going to appreciate such a miracle happening in place of her masterpiece.

Anyway, as I was saying…

Several hours of Nonstop Debates and Rebuttal Showdowns later, plus an Argument Armament on top of that, the fourteen Ultimates… and Monokuma… had reached a conclusion: it was Kaito Momota who mercy-killed Kokichi Oma (some plot points never change, apparently), and was currently piloting the Exisal as they spoke. After all, there was clearly_ somebody_ inside the mech, capable of using the voice changer to disguise their own speech; and given the facts laid out by Kaede and Shuichi, this was the only truth that could possibly be correct.

And so, multiple Ultimates reluctantly voted a majority for Kaito Momota when it was time, Maki tearfully crying all the way—

—and Tsumugi dared to dream that she’d get _some_ tragedy out of this trainwreck of a season—

—and right after the vote had concluded… the hatch to the Exisal’s cockpit opened.

…

…

…

Twenty faces stared aghast at, of course, the infamous unnamed goose in all its glory, spreading its wings out and honking like it was _laughing_ at them._ Laughing._

_“Honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk!”_

_When the hell did that bird learn to talk **and** pilot an Exisal!?_ was the thought that was going through everyone’s brain.

Then a _second_ Exisal crashed into the trial room, _its_ hatch opening up to reveal both Kaito and Kokichi—perfectly fine, cured of their poisoning—bunched up in the cockpit. “Uhh,” the Ultimate Astronaut began to the absolutely dumbfounded group before him, “we didn’t miss the trial… right?”

Kokichi grinned a shit-eating grin, the largest and most genuine one the crew had ever seen on him. “Nee-hee hee!” he sniggered. “You guys voted for the wrong person! There _is_ no blackened! Nobody died! Me, and Kaito—” _(“Don’t rope me into this!”)_ “—and the ‘lil goose over there… we all tricked you! This class trial was a farce! You guys get it now?

_“If the verdict is wrong, then I’ve rendered this whole killing game to be **null and void!**”_

The goose hooted in agreement. _“Honk honk!”_

A silence blew through the retrofitted trial room.

A cool breeze did the same, if only to add to the effect.

“…what,” Kaede and Shuichi finally said simultaneously.

“I—I agree,” Rantaro added, stoic face falling flat. “What.”

Tsumugi’s face carefully went blank, internally suffering a major system crash. If one could go inside her head, they’d likely be able to hear the sounds of a dial-up Internet connection attempting to establish itself, to no avail.

As for everyone else…

“Looks like we all still have a ways to go, if we let a goose best us good…”

_“What the hell!? What shitty kind of preschool show did we get dropped into!?”_

_“Kehehehehehe… _How… _beautiful… _of you…” (This was said with a twitching eye.)

“Gonta… don’t get it. Does this mean… everybody win???”

“This must’ve been Atua’s design all along! Now I see exactly what He was going for!”

“Nyeeeeeeh!? This is crazy! Is—Is the bird actually made of magic!?”

“I thought it was just another degenerate, but—now I don’t know what to believe anymore!”

In the background, a layer of red slowly made its way up Monokuma from his feet, steam steadily coming out of his ears at an exponential rate. Eventually, as the discussion around Kokichi and the goose’s master plan reached a fever pitch, he exploded.

** _“THAAAAAAAAAAAT’S IT!”_ **

The immensely colorful cast of characters shut up.

The mechanical bear flailed his arms about in the air, all pretense of politeness or restrained malice completely forgotten. _“I have had it **up** **to here** with you **idiots** and your **meddling** and this **killing game with no killing!**_ If you want to get out of this show _that_ badly, then _fine! _To hell with the rules! To hell with the game!_ **I’M GOING TO DESTROY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR STUPID FACES—STARTING WITH HIM!”**_

He pointed a paw directly at the feathery fletching in the Exisal, who only gave a nonchalant honk at the so-called Ultimate Despair Headmaster.

**_“MONOKUBS! _**Get the other three Exisals, _take these two back, **and KILL! THAT! HORRIBLE GOOSE! NOWWWWWWW!”**_

_“Yes, Father!”_

It was then that the sixteen Ultimates, while Monokuma was thoroughly distracted, decided to board the elevator back to the academy and escape the crossfire.

All the while, the goose stood its ground, getting back into the mech and preparing to fight for its life. To fight for the Ultimates’ right to live.

And for once, it looked… determined.

_“Honk honk.”_

* * *

What ensued was an utterly chaotic rollercoaster that so epic and so exhilarating, we were unable to show any of it. But suffice to say…

* * *

**Outside the Ultimate Academy**

After approximately six hours of reducing the entire Ultimate Academy to rubble—including an addendum Class Trial wherein a truckload of revelations were revealed (complete with ‘commentary’ from a certain horrible goose)—the Killing Game Semester, the fifty-third iteration of Danganronpa, had officially come to an end, with a grand total of **zero** casualties.

Okay, Monokuma and the Monokubs exploded in the process, but… they don’t count.

With the reality TV show cancelled for all time (though its final season did receive some of the highest ratings in recent years, in no small part thanks to the goose’s antics), the Ultimates were free to live their lives however they wanted. Explore this old-yet-new world that awaited beyond the End Wall that once sealed them in.

“Well,” Kaede said, somewhat upbeat, “we made it! We… We beat the killing game, without losing a single friend!”

“Things got pretty dicey there for several minutes,” Shuichi mentioned, “but I’m glad everything turned out fine in the end.” He shook his head, sighing. “I’m ready for things to calm down by a _lot,_ now – I’ve had enough ‘excitement’ for a lifetime.”

Nobody bothered to point out how the two of them were holding hands.

(Or how the two were wearing each other’s… you-know-whats.

Not like they’d figure that last one out on their own, in any case.)

Tsumugi didn’t share their enthusiasm, however. She trudged alongside the group with her back slouched, moping, “My masterpiece… destroyed… my script… totally ruined… _Danganronpa…_ finished forever…”

“It’s not like it’s the end of the world, ‘Mugi,” Rantaro tried to comfort her, patting her shoulder. (He’d taken the whole ‘thrown into multiple killing games’ thing in stride, surprisingly enough.) “I mean, you’ve still got other series to fall back on.”

“But _Danganronpa_ was my most favorite series of all time,” she continued. If this was an anime or something, there’d be a storm cloud above her head, practically pouring rain down on her. “It was _everything_ to me. Without it, what am I supposed to _do_ with my life…?”

“Eh, you’ll figure it out!” Kokichi loudly interjected, showing absolutely no sympathy for the Cosplayer whatsoever. “You kinda deserve this existential crisis after trying to get us to become murderers, anyway!”

“You could… afford to be a little nicer to her, Kokichi,” Keebo tentatively said, notably no longer having an ahoge. “Her plans _did_ fail spectacularly, and she _is_ still our friend; doesn’t that merit _some_ level of leniency?”

“Of course the robot would have sympathy for the wannabe _murderer._ Since you don’t have any real emotions, you’ve got every chance of becoming one yourself!”

“H-Hey! Th-That’s robophobic! When are you gonna stop saying such things!?”

“When it stops being funny! Nee-hee hee!”

“Honestly, it’s a miracle we came out as well as we did,” Ryoma remarked, ignoring Kokichi and Keebo’s banter as usual. “If it wasn’t for that goose, we’d be in an entirely different story right now.”

“Oh, how I wish that wasn’t true…” Korekiyo grumbled, resisting the urge to dart around rapidly for the paradise-ruining pest. “If I ever see another white bird again, it will be far too soon…”

“I could do without the messes it left behind,” Kirumi agreed. “I may be the Ultimate Maid, but I refuse to be that goose’s one-woman cleanup crew.”

“Hmmmm… Hey, do you guys think… it was trying to help us, all this time?” Himiko wondered. “It protected us in that Exisal, and stopped a lot of people from dying. I never needed to use any of my resurrection spells.”

(“Just like Atua predicted!” Angie chimed in.)

“That goose _did_ have a tendency to do things that were beneficial in the long run,” Rantaro acknowledged. “When he stole my Survivor’s Perk in the library and I went after him, it was just in time for me to avoid ‘Mugi throwing that shot put ball at me.”

_“Don’t remind me…”_ Tsumugi dejectedly muttered.

“You’re not gonna tell me it actually _cared_ for us now, are you?” Maki glared. “That _thing_ was just as happy to smash up our Research Labs and steal our clothes. Even _if_ it was benevolent, I still wouldn’t give it any of my trust. It’s a lot like Kokichi, now that I think about it.”

_“I’ll take that as a compliment!”_

“They’re both pretty complicated,” Kaito admitted, remembering the time he spent with both of them in the Exisal hangar. “No wonder they worked so well together. Man, you think you know everything ‘bout a person, and the world just turns it upside down! How crazy is that?”

“Who cares!?” Tenko interrupted. “So long as we never have to see that degenerate animal ever again, I won’t have to suplex all of you to the ground!”

_“…hang on, what was that—?”_

“Miss Andry’s right!” Miu interjected. “Now that we’re all free and shit, I’m gonna build and build ‘til my arms fall off—while I’m flat stinkin’ drunk, too! HAHAHAHAHA! And I’ll make sure everyone gets a free sample of whatever I make!”

(“Gonta not sure what that means, but Gonta think that’s good!”

Ryoma lowered his beanie. “It really isn’t, Gonta… it really isn’t…”)

“I kind of hate to say it,” Kaede stated, “but Miu’s got a point.” _(“Whaddya mean, ‘hate to say it’!?”)_ “There’s a brand new… old… uhh, new old world out there, waiting for all of us to make it better in some way or another! We made out alive, against all the odds—so if we stick together, then I know we can do anything!”

Shuichi nodded, with confidence he hadn’t had when the killing game initially kicked off. “We’ve grown pretty close over the course of these past few weeks. And though we may be fiction, that doesn’t change the fact that what we feel… is real. I’m ready to take my first steps into this new reality, with my best friends and everyone else – and there’s nothing on this path that can ruin it for us at all—”

** _KA-FLASH!_ **

Out of nowhere, a light shone from behind the sixteen Ultimates, a burst of wind riding between their legs. A litany of yelps and screams came from their mouths as they realized their underwear was _literally flying away_ (except for Angie, who nonchalantly grabbed another pair from her smock and put it on).

Kaede and Shuichi, in particular, blushed heavily upon learning their comfort was stolen from them. Who was the blackened that dared to do such an evil deed? _What truly diabolical villain would go so far as to take away their happiness and security—?_

_“Honk honk!”_

…

…of course. Of _course_ it was **him.**

A familiar white bird – still wearing Shuichi’s baseball cap, mind you – fluttered quickly past the dumbfounded group, dropping a rather odd-looking ray gun as it rushed to the newly-formed pile of undergarments.

It took Miu exactly 1.5 seconds to identify the invention currently on the floor. “The fuck!?” she screeched. “That beta bastard stole my ‘Goin’ Commando’ gun! I was gonna _use_ that!”

Several heads craned to look at the Ultimate Inventor, who promptly wilted from all of the stares. “And why, pray tell,” Korekiyo carefully kept his voice level, “would you find it necessary to build a device that does such an uncouth purpose?”

“Eeeeeeee—! It was—j-just supposed to be a joke…! I—I didn’t expect it to be used like th-this…!”

_“I sure hope you didn’t,”_ Maki growled. **_“Do you want to die?”_**

“D-D-D-D—_Don’t kill me!_ Th-This world still needs my glorious golden brain—!”

Back on the subject of the goose, the eternal nuisance was gathering up all the discarded boxers and panties into a single big ball, tying it up into a knot for good measure. It perched it on the back of it’s body, crowing with the tone of a predator that had defeated its prey.

Now, Kaede and Shuichi could hold up to a large variety of things. It’s in their nature as _Danganronpa_ protagonists. Tight deadlines, magic shows, bizarre character quirks, occult rituals, virtual worlds… they could handle that.

But this?

This… was the last straw.

Faces steaming with both embarrassment and fury, the ahoge-sporting duo dramatically pointed a finger at the foul fowl, in that ever-so-classic _‘No, that’s wrong!’_ pose. _**“We’ve had enough of this!”**_ they proclaimed. _**“Give us back our underwear, or we’re gonna shove a Truth Bullet down your beak!”**_

_“Honk honk honk honk honk!”_ The goose elegantly replied by turning 180 degrees, patting his behind at them, and bolting toward the horizon, ball of undergarments in tow. In a rather harmonized scream of rage, the Pianist-Detective team shot off after the fleeing animal, and the rest of the Ultimates moved to follow them once their shock finally died down.

It all started with the theft of a hat—and it all ended with the theft of sixteen different unmentionables.

There were still several mysteries left to ponder in this story, however.

Where did the goose come from? How did it break into the Ultimate Academy? Did it truly grow attached to the school’s inhabitants, in its own special way?

We may never know the answers for sure. Nature, after all, often works in a manner unknown to our comprehension. But one thing is for certain:

Wherever there’s a lovely morning passing by a gathering of people…

…there will always be a horrible goose around to wreak havoc on the poor populace.

And so this tale… draws to a close.

* * *

Elsewhere in the world…

Makoto’s eye twitched as he watched the broadcast play out on national television. “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” he said. “That goose is still alive!? I thought we saw the last of it _years_ ago!”

Kyoko raised an eyebrow. “I suppose its persistence for causing chaos in any situation has kept it going all this time,” she mused. “It’s… somewhat comforting to see that part of it hasn’t changed too much.”

Hajime put a hand to his forehead and sighed. “How this thing keeps breaking into and disrupting killing games, I’ll never know. I still haven’t been able to figure out how it entered the Neo World Program without _anyone_ noticing, including Junko…”

Munakata didn’t reply. Instead, he simply drank out of an open bottle and muttered something about the Future Foundation, security, Chisa Yukizome, and ‘katana-stealing birds’.

**Author's Note:**

> *honk honk*
> 
> Yo.
> 
> What can I say? I like writing DRV3 crossovers. I like writing Tsumugi’s plot going horribly, _horribly_ off the rails.
> 
> And a certain game released last week for the Switch was perfect for just that latter purpose.
> 
> I may not be a horrible goose… but I sure do have the spirit of one.
> 
> _*honnnnnnnnnk*_
> 
> Well, that’s all for now – see you guys around!


End file.
